Day 254: Lucatini, Gin, Vodka, Lillet Blanc, Lemon Twist
Dahlia's birthday was a while back. I celebrated with some friends by going to brunch in her honor and imbibing a number of mimosas. It was an appropriate tribute, but left me wanting something more somber. The sun began to peek out of the clouds, so I went to Sunset Hill Park, where we held her funeral. While I was taking in the breathtaking views, the occasional family would walk by, enjoying the weather.
It made me think of where we would have been if I hadn't heard the words "I have cancer" four years ago. Dahlia would have graduated college around 2012. She would either be pregnant or we'd have a newborn child. I could have been one of those fathers playing in the park. It's a future I'm not sure I want anymore, but I wanted it when I was with Dahlia. As I sat there in the cool spring sun, I wanted it more than ever, but only with Dahlia.
If there's one thing this mess should have taught me, it's that the universe doesn't often give you what you want. For three years, all I wanted out of life was comfort, an assurance that in the future the realities of a common existence, the wife, 2.5 kids, trips to the coast in a station wagon, were possible. Now that that future is far less certain, I've found myself desiring the 20's I never had. When all I had was heartbreak, all I wanted was solace. Now that I've started dating again, a situation most entering desiring some kind of status quo, I just want the highs and lows of a quick fling.
Rose and I have gone on several dates. I like her a lot. She's witty, cute, and a wonderful artist. Things with her have gotten to a comfortable point and I feel like it's getting to a place where I have to make a decision I'm not ready to make. I like her, but it's starting to feel too much like a relationship. It's a place of comfort when I'm unready to be comfortable. I want the nervous energy, the pain of heartbreak, and the Joy Division song of dating. It's a ridiculous ask when being happy is within my reach, but it's something I feel like I need.
After several long talks, Rose and I decided to take a break as I continue to explore dating. I've met a few interesting women in the meantime, and it felt wrong to be keep her waiting for me to get my head on straight. It may be months or years until I'm ready for a relationship. It felt bad to hurt her, but I had to choose between a small pain now or a potentially larger pain later.
I'm not sure what I'm expecting to find out, and I don't really know what I want out of this endeavor. Rose thinks that's a lie, a convenient falsehood I'm telling myself to avoid having to make decisions. Perhaps she's right, I've really felt overwhelmed by it all, and perhaps being overwhelmed is more desirable right now than taking a step back and focusing. Maybe, just maybe, not getting what I want is exactly what I want right now.
